I drown in my own thoughts. Never knowing the right thing(s) to say. Sometimes I have to tip toe around everyone. No one gets me, does that mean I’m stupid? Does it mean that I am more un-normal than I originally thought?
These thoughts they consume me, mostly at night or when I am alone. It doesn’t help that everything in life is temporary and usually they all end around the same time. Friendships, relationships, death, school, employment, relocation.
Everyone has burdens holding them down. But I have demons, demons that run thru my head trying to control me. They tell me to say things and do things before thinking. Thinking of the relevance and repercussions.
Sometimes I feel that they only way to stop this madness that are my thoughts are to end them. The problem with ending these thoughts means that I have to end with them.
Is ending my life worth hurting all the ones I love? Am I being selfish? I think I am being realistic. If I already feel dead inside – why not just finish the job? My body is ready – my mind is shattered – I just have to convince my heart.
My heart cares to much what others think, how my loved ones will be able to move on (if they do). Is my pain more than theres will be losing me?
I’ve heard a quote that in the end you only have yourself, and I’m sorry – myself is what I hate. I thank they people in my life that called me names, that said I wasn’t good enough, thought I was always wrong, degraded me, and didn’t believe in me… I wouldn’t be me without them. I wouldn’t have tried to be happy and change, though nothing changed at least I can say I tried.
I warned people, they saw it coming. They didn’t believe me, but trust me the end is near. I just need someone to save me, care what I have to say, fix my broken pieces, and take the time to understand how I feel.
But Cinderella didn’t really lose her shoe, Snow White didn’t get the princes kiss, and Ariel never got her voice back. Fairytales don’t exist – no one is going to save you or me.